I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
