Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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