Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
