How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
The air taste purple.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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