Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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