I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
