do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
