the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
