i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
