Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
