I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize