Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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