Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
