I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
That reminds me...we need to get swords
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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