saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
