I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
