Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just blew my weed a kiss
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
