here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
