I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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