even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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