i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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