apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
