my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
