i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
