Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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