how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
