My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
