At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
