Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
