She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
