You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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