You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
