the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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