I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
