Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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