I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
