I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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