She is in my trunk
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
