Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
