if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Randomize
