I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
