dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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