Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
