toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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