dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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