my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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