Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
