I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
