Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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