the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
