i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Randomize
