There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
