Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize